Friday, May 1, 2015

Fighting depression is hard

It sounds quite obvious, doesn't it? I'm going to give you a sneak peak in my daily life.

Oftentimes I sit in my chair, watching my two computer screens, looking for new video's of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Neil deGrasse Tyson or some of the other champions for reason. It's part of my daily routine, I also watch all the updates of Secular Talk and Jangbricks..

The inability to do something else is really annoying. It seems to other people that I am active, but I'm not. My brain still listens, but doesn't respond anymore. All it wants is to get fed with more and more and more. It's the ADHD brain that is gorging itself on stimuli. Looking through my eyes sometimes feels as if I'm looking through thick mist. I feel different, it is as if my head is filled with dark clouds. My back hurts, my neck hurts and sometimes there is this numbing feeling, if you try to think the world only becomes gloomier. Hopeful thoughts get chased away by dystopian knights, a constant battle is raging in my head.

Am I going to make it? What am I going to do in order to keep going? Why can't I become active and do nice things with my family and friends. I've got this unspoken agreement with a great friend of mine, we take the time to go walk in nature every week, if possible. And I take my children to my parents every Thursday.

It's an enduring struggle though, my head keeps protesting. The gloom keeps persisting and I cannot seem to see any light at the end. All things "required" of me are way to cumbersome, the dystopian knights appear everywhere.

It is quite enigmatic and sounds incredibly paradoxical, but I'm glad I've finished my first book. It has helped me re-arrange some of my thoughts. And I hope that my book is going to be read by all sorts of interesting people, that would make me a little happier, I think.

Finishing a book is quite a depressing thing though, a lot of doubt clouds your mind...

This Sunday, may third, I will be testing my constitution once again, I will be visiting Utrecht to see AronRa speak about reason. There are still some tickets left.

The event itself as advertized on Facebook

I would like to finish this post with something positive though!
I'm going to look for some colourful crayons and smear some colour in this gloom.
I hope it works...


  1. Mathijs, no one can tell you why you have the life you are living. Regarding the burdens and goblins you deal with, if nothing else, look at the cliché: "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". The world needs people that endure the burdens of getting around the alligators, quicksand and mystery of "why?" You are doing fine, keep it up. Stuart

    1. Thank you stewart!
      Trying to make sense of it all helps me muddle through, I'm confident that there's light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.